I am so sick of being broke. This tiny town just doesnt have enough jobs for the college students. Any jobs that you can get with out a degree get taken by the high school kids n the summer when we are gone, not that I blame them. My parents of course will send me money when I ask them to but I have already asked this month and I hate asking them. I mean they are already paying for my education, car and cell phone plus all the fees that go with regular tuiton like dorm, meal plan and parking. And next year mi sis will be going to college and soon after that my youngest sis will be driving and she will need a car to get to school since neither of us will be there anymore. I just hate asking for money since all I use most of it for is going out and stuff. I mean I do need it for gas and stuff like shampoo and all but I still feel bad for using it on other stuff. I cant even find any scholarships because FAFSA wouldnt give me any money they say my parents make to much but they don't take in to consideration our family expenses. So since I am an upper middle class(or so it looks on paper) wite girl who isn't a first generation student there is nothing for me. My great grandfather was a native american and I should be the last generation to be able to benifit from the government because of that but they have him listed from 2 diffrent tribes so because they messed up I can't get any of the governmet scholarships and stuff for native americans, and since my great grandmother left him when my grandmother was very young and they lost touch (which is a whole diffrent sory lol) we never were able to ask him and now that someone in my family finaly tracked him down he is deceased. So no money for being part native american. So anyway this weekend I am saving what little I have so I can at least make it to April. My roomate and her b/f are going to Houston, where they are from, and invited me but I couldnt go because I am broke. Although I dont really think I woulda wanted to go there too bad anyway. Another of my friends wanted me to go do something with her this weekend but nope. What I really wanted to do was go to Mexico to a Pat Green concert with one of my friends...although I woulda been the designated driver if I went which sucks since it is legal for me to drink in Mexico lol, but guess that doesnt matter anyway cuz here I am sitting in my dorm on a saturday night and I am bored outta my mind. I really wanted to go too, I havent been to a Pat Green concert since he signed with nashville. He is from my home town so I have been to several of his concerts before anyone but Wacoans knew who he was. but anyway I am stck here, broke as always. Money sucks!!!lol

So here in the last few days I have been thinking alot about why I decided to become a veggitarian...for a while there I almost decided to give it up but I did a little more research and I found out a few more things that support everything I read that made me go veggie in the first place. I wish I could be vegan but right now its just not gonna happen. Anyway this is why I am a veggitarian.

I stopped eating meat in October of 2003. At first I siad I would eat meat that was free range in other words they would have been hunted or lived a "happy life" on a large farm with room to roam and all, but since that is hard to get I just stopped eating it all together. Now the smell and sight of any meat is repulsive to me, that is for the most part anyway, every now and then I do get cravings for cheeseburgers lol. I became a vegitarian becuse although I dislike PETA they sent me some information on how animals are treated before they are killed and I did some reasearch and for the most part it was all true and after that I just felt bad eating meat. I didn't go vegan simply because I cant afford it lol. I looked some stuff up and to stay healthy and be a true vegan there is just to many expensive special foods and vitamns that you have to buy not to mention I would have to special order it all since this small town isnt really even too vegitarian friendly. My reason for becoming a veggie wasn't because I think eating meat is wrong, I mean humans are meant to be omnivores, but I think the way they go about getting the meat is what is wrong. I also think he way they get eggs and dairy is wrong too but its just not going to work for me to be a vegan right now. Maybe after college I will be able to. For now I just try to get eggs from free raoming chickens and stuff liek that but I cant always pick were it comes from in things like pasta and bread and all that. I am not one of those veggitarians that is all holier than thou and tries to make all my friends feel guilty for eating meat. I do try to encourage people to by free range meat, eggs, and dairy when it is possible but I just mention it I don't push it on them. Frankly I really dont care if other people eat meat I just chose not to because I felt guilty doing it. Anyways thats why I don't eat meat. 

I feel like I am stuck in a rut. From like the 5th grade until I graduated high school I was a complete loser and now that I am in college I dont think people think of me the same way as the people in high school did. I think it is a combination of more mature people and just all around better people than went to good ol' Midway High, but it is also a change in me. Problem is I can only manage to change a little and I want to change so much more. I am really quiet, I weigh more than I want to, there are just so many things. Mopst of what changed in me was just that it changed on the inside and now I just feel like I cant make the outside match how I feel. I think Im just scared to change completley I mean this is the me I know, it for sure isnt the me I am comfortable with but Im used to it. I know if I am just quiet I wont say anything stupid, but when I want to talk to some guy I like or just someone I want to be friends with I just hold it in so I dont sound like a moron but usually and understanably it gives the impression that I dont like being around that person so they just leave me alone. Its so frustrating I mean this in the most sane way lol but it is like I have 2 diffrent people in one body, and the one I dont like is what is showing through. Whenever I want to say something and dont it is like there is this whole other side of me trapped inside that is screaming at me to just quit being an idiot and just say something but for some reasonm even though I have changed who I am on the inside I just cant change completley. I guess I am just scared people won't like who I really am soI just sit silently hiding any personality at all so no one can dislike me. The problem with that is no one likes me either, I am just there.

Another thing that scares me is I am in college and I feel like I have gone nowhere in my life and I am just afraid I wont go anywhere for the rest of my life. I know what I want to do I think but I just dont feel like I will ever be able to make it in such a competitive job market and that is even if I manage to get that far. Another thing I have been thinking about a lot latley is that college seems so final I mean its the begining of my adult life, I mean my childhood is OVER and all I want to do is still be a kid, I love college but oh what I would give just to go back and be like 10 again. I will be 19 in about a month, the last year of my teens. I am already an ADULT that alone for some reason terrifies me. I here 8 hours from home in podunk little Alpine Texas. My sisters always shared a room and now that I am gone my yongest sis took mine(which I understand), so in the whole world the only space that is my own is a little wardrobe in the corner of her room. I dont even have a bed at home really, I sleep on a pull out bed in the middle sisters room. Its just so scary I mena my parents are getting older(by old I mean latter 40's so not too old but still past middle age) Im away at college my other sister is moving to an apartment this summer and my other sis will be driving soon, and the thing I want most is to just to be able to play like little kids on our swing set or bikes like we used to. It almost breaks my heart to see those things now the bikes are rusted and the swingset is completley covered in vines and rust.All that is over forever I am grown up now and that scares me to death. I am just not ready to be an adult yet. I know college isnt complete adulthood but its the transition. Im not a child Im not an adult. I dont know where I am in life I dont know who I am. Im terrified!

I just dont have time to write in here everyday so i think it is gonna be pretty random when ever I write so i doubt anyone will read it but oh well. If ya do leave comments :) .

So I just got back from spring break which sucked. All my high school friends got out this week so I didn't get to see any of them. Well the few I had in high school anyway lol. I was such a loser :P . So anyway all I did was sit on my lazy ass all week lol. My sisters are out this week and my 17 year old sisters boyfriend,Tracey, is taking her to Hawaii....and I am so not jealous that she has a great (for her at least) serious boyfriend who takes her to Hawaii...*sighs and flips over picture of Sarah and Tracey* lol. No I really do think they are great for each other and I have to say Sarah has been so much easier to deal with since she met him. They have been together a year this week so it is kinda sweet that they will be in Hawaii for their aniversary. As for me I am still single as ever :/ .

There was so much more I was gonna write about but I my ADD has kicked in and I am bored of doing this now lol. So I guess Ill finish this later.

I have been really busy this semester so I havent had much time to post anything, but I am going to try to start writing again.

I have had so many tests lately and I dont think I did too great on any of them, I think I got mostly Cs and Ds.....but hey D is for diploma lol. Although, I like my classes this semester more than most of the ones I took last semester. I just wish I was in a wildlife type class again. My history proffessor is pretty cool, he acctually tries to make it interesting for us. The other day we spent half the class talking about the origin of the word "fuck" lol. It comes from the puritians, they used to write the initials of your crime above the stocks, like theft would be F.T, for theivery....and adultry was F.U.C.K. or for under carnal knowledge. I just thought it was kinda funny that a word that people think of as so bad was started by a group as wholsome as the puritians. My zoology proffessor is nice to. We are learning about cells and stuff and even he gets bored talking about it so in the middle of the lecture he will just stop and start telling jokes, it doesnt really make the class any easier but he seems like a nice guy so I hope this means he will be lenient when it comes to grade time. Un fortunately I dont think the same is going to be true for my zoology lab, the TA who teaches that is a complete ass. He gives us a quiz every time we go in there, he says he will only count the highest five unless we miss one and then he will count the 0. So I can never miss a single class or i will get a 0. I know that doesnt seem like a huge deal but it only is because he is so mean about it. One of my friends had him last semester and he said it gets way worse when it comes time to disect things. He said the TA threw a dead fish covered in formadihide at him and he ended up having to throw away the clothes he had on that day. I also heard he will rip the animals apart just besauce he can. I know they are already dead and are going to be disected but I think you should still do it in a somewhat respectful manner. I dont know maybe I am just weird like that. The guy is also so disgusting I want to throw up just looking at him. If I didnt know better I would think he lived on the streets. He never shaves or cuts/brushes his hair, he has sores all over him, he flat out smells, he always has underarm stains, and he will just spit luggies and blow snot bubbles right ion the middle of class and then comment on it!! I dont know if I will be able to stand that class much longer and to top it all off the married guy that hits on me sits right behind me(see a few posts down). I am also taking areobics which I like, it gives me some motivation to go work out, although I am still really sore from Thursdays workout. Hmm all the others arent really anything special but I think they will be good, at least they have been so far. So in all I am taking 15 hours....English, Zoology and lab, history, Freshman leadership, Areobics, and Math.

well hopefully I will find time to write again soon and it probably wont be as boring as this one lol

I am finally back from the break, it wasnt all that eventful but I enjoyed being home.

what I did:

volunteered out at the camp I work for in the summers

saw some movies that never came to this tiny little town

got some great gifts

had an incredibly boring new year

shared a room with my 17 y/o sis b/c my 14 y/o sis took mine

went to some basketball games

like I said it really wasnt all that exiting but I really enjoyed getting to go out to camp. That is one of my favorite places to be.

well I will write more later but I am off to class now.

Woohoo I am finaly at home. Our computer here broke so I had to bring mine from school, it is really heavy lol. I am not looking foward to bringing it back up the 3 flights to my dorm room but I don't have to worry about all that for a whole month. I am have no room here anymore though, my littlest sister (sadie) took mine over when I left. I guess it is only fair that I have to share now though, I had my own room for like 11 years. It feels sorta wierd though when I go in to "my" room and my sister and all her stuff is in there. So I have my comp. set up on the bench in my  sisters room (Sarah) and I am sleeping on the pull out trundle bed lol. I don't really care though as long as I am at home I'll be happy. I am glad that I am sharing with Sarah not only because our younger sis is really gross lol, but we have never been as close as I am with Sadie or as Sadie is with Sarah. I guess Sadie is sorta the link between us. Sarah and I have nothing really in common and don't look anything alike but Sadie looks a little like both of us and personality and interest wise she is also a little like both of us. Anyway I think Sarah and I have been growing a little bit closer since I moved away oddly enough but whatever the reason I am glad.  I have always been the "good one" and she has always been the "wild one" but I think we are both changing a little so it is easier for us to relate to one another. I really didn't think I would miss my sisters as much as I have and it makes me sad to think about the fact that Sarah might be moving off to college next year and Sadie will in three years I am afraid we will never see each other. I talked to Sadie about that today and she said she would help me make sure we don't all drift apart like my parents have with their siblings lol. It seems like no one in my family sees one another more than once or twice a year and I hate that, I don't want it to happen to us when we all start our own families. Oh well that is going to be a while down the road so I might as well just enjoy being home right now :).

The RA posted this over the microwave in the hall and I thought it was funny:

Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying, For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would free up their thinking.

In my own room, I had been pacing, And dreading exams I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless, Her nose in her books, And my comments to her Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring that My nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were muddy, My eyes went a blur, I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded, That life was too cruel, With futures depending On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off, Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless, His manner was mellow, All of a sudden, He started to bellow.

"On Cliff Notes, on Crib Notes, On Last Years Exams. On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams."

His message delivered, He vanished from sight. But we heard him laughing, Outside in the night.

Your teachers have pegged you, So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to all a Good Test.

P.S.- read my last 3 posts it is nuts lol

Ok I was wrong about being wrong lol. I just though he was a nice guy. That was until I got this IM this morning. He acctually is a nice guy I guess he just has a wierd lifestyle that I am not interested in being a part of. It is just gross to me.

john (8:36:35 AM): well - we got it worked out alright...
john(8:36:43 AM): WAKE UP - by the way... you have a final in 1.5 hours...
sallyann429 (9:01:45 AM): LOL I am sorta awake now
john (9:01:52 AM): good for you! 
john (9:02:01 AM): are you ready for your exam, cutie?
john (9:02:06 AM): i still haven't been to sleep! lol
sallyann429 (9:02:42 AM): I think I am ready
sallyann429 (9:03:01 AM): how can you not sleep?! lol
john (9:03:48 AM): it takes years of practice.
john(9:03:55 AM): so... i'm still stumped...
john(9:03:57 AM): how are you single?
john(9:04:04 AM): now that i got to sit and talk with you for a while...
john (9:04:18 AM): i like you even more! (now you're not JUST a pretty face)
sallyann429 (9:04:32 AM):  thanks
john(9:04:48 AM): you are very welcome...
john(9:05:05 AM): so - are you ever gonna let me take you out for a drink or massage, or something that doesn't involve studying?
john (9:05:21 AM): (cause i was quite tempted last night to suggest something other than studying)
sallyann429 (9:05:57 AM): I would but didn't I see that you have a ring
john (9:08:01 AM): yes - but don't let that trick you into believing what you've been conditioned to believe.
sallyann429 (9:08:16 AM): what
john (9:09:09 AM):
john (9:09:10 AM): ok...
john(9:09:22 AM): it's long and hard (to explain - get your mind out of the gutter).....
john (9:09:27 AM):
sallyann429 (9:09:34 AM): I guess I have just been conditioned to believe what ever it is for too long
john (9:09:37 AM): i _am_ married.....
sallyann429 (9:12:38 AM): yeah so I you are married and usually married guys don't ask other girls out
sallyann429 (9:14:39 AM): are you still there
john (9:16:46 AM): this is true...
john (9:17:07 AM): but - we have an open relationship. typically, we like to acquire other people (girl or boy) and share them...
john (9:17:25 AM): but - sometimes we decide that we want to experience someone else alone... and so we do. -shrug-
john (9:17:35 AM): it's hard for most to understand... but it works for us.
john (9:18:06 AM): so - yes, i am married, but i have permission to act as if i'm single, if i so choose.
john (9:18:13 AM): and so does she (everything is fair and honest between us)
john (9:18:29 AM): she's even set me up with another girl before. (that was a little odd)
sallyann429 (9:19:37 AM): hmm well your right it is hard to understand(no offense) but I am glad it works for yall
john (9:19:48 AM): lol
john(9:19:56 AM): well - if you got to knwo us, it would seem much more normal.
sallyann429 (9:25:03 AM): I am not saying you are wierd or anything, it is just not what I would think as what marriage is
sallyann429 (9:25:28 AM): well I really need to look over all that stuff really quick before the exam
john (9:25:37 AM): that's kewl...
sallyann429 (9:25:40 AM): ill see ya in a while
john (9:25:52 AM): i know it's a little strange, but it works well... we have no jealousy, lies, or deciet...
john(9:26:03 AM): (and we still have lots of sex, though we've been married for nearly 2 years)
john (9:26:07 AM): so - it's healthy for _us_...
john (9:26:17 AM): i'd love to see you again... to study OR not.
sallyann429 (9:26:36 AM): thats good...whatever works for yall
john (9:27:15 AM): so - consider it, ok?
sallyann429 (9:30:16 AM): well I think it is just too stuck in to my brain that married guys are off limits lol
john (9:30:44 AM): i understand - which is why i said to consider it, and get back to me.
john (9:30:49 AM): if not - i understand... it's a little weird.
john (9:31:09 AM): but if you'd like to try, then i can omly promise you wonderful times.
john (9:31:16 AM): go study before class.
john (9:31:25 AM): and sit close to me - i'll try to leave my test visible. 
sallyann429 (9:31:55 AM):  alright well ill see you in a little while
john (9:32:06 AM): alrighty then!
john (9:32:10 AM): good luck
john(10:39:16 AM): So - how did you do?
john (10:39:35 AM): i can't believe that he actually READ US hte final on the last day of class... that was TOO easy. 
john (10:39:55 AM): but i missed a couple - cause i wasn't suer if i remembered what he said properly o rnot...
sallyann429 (11:41:01 AM): oh sorry I didnt see your IM
sallyann429 (11:41:08 AM): i think i did ok

I tried to be nice but sorry I am not going to consider it I mean EWWWW.

I think I was wrong about that guy I met with to study. I mean he is married and according to his profile he does have the whole open marriage thing but he wasn't the slimeball I thought he would be. He was acctually really nice, he seemed like a really interesting person. So I guess that is what I get for juging people. I still don't get that damn botany stuff though lol. I have had a really long day so I don't really want to write much although I have alot on my mind, but I still have a lot of studing to do so it will have to wait.

Just now I was sitting on my bed studying for finals and I heard someone IMing me on Yahoo Messenger. this was our conversation(the red writing is just what I added in just now):

John: You are from Waco and go to Sul Ross?

John: I am from Waco and go to Sul Ross too

sallyann429: really  this is a really small school and there is no one from Waco
sallyann429: what year are you
John: technically, i'm a sophmore.
John: yourself?
sallyann429: I only have met one other person from waco here
sallyann429: i am a freshman
John: kewl... ER Mgmt, i see...
John: <-- Nanoengineering major... (but here i'm double majoring in Bio and Chem...)
John: but i'll ultimately have to go to MIT
sallyann429: oh cool
sallyann429: what is your name
John: John - Yours? I am not that dumb...I just changed his screen name to protect the innocent lol
sallyann429: sally
John: (Sally Ann, i would guess)
sallyann429: are you in botany I looked at his profile pic
John: i am in botany
sallyann429: in dr. terrys class
John: yes
sallyann429: i am in there too
John: really?
sallyann429: yeah
John: i don't really recognize you... where do you usually sit?
John: dammit - and i thought i woulda noticed such a cute girl...  
sallyann429: against the wall on the right, lol thanks
John: in the back? or up front?
sallyann429: kinda in the middle
John: behind the blonde girl? or ARE you teh blonde girl?
sallyann429: behind her
John: oh...
John: OH!
John: you're THAT girl...
John: yeah - i know who you are now.
John: how sweet is that?
John: i had no idea you were from Waco.
sallyann429: I dint know you are either lol
sallyann429: what part of waco are you from
John: Hewitt - yourself?
sallyann429: woodway
John: are you ready for your final tomorrow?
John: er... tuesday
sallyann429: as ready as I will be I guess, I will just be happy to get a D in there lol, I am terrible at botany
John: lol - i can help you get a better grade if you want...
John: i know that stuff REALLY well. this is helpful b/c I honestly do suck at this stuff
John: almost as well as dr terry
John: i'd gladly help you - besides, it would give me someone else to bounce the information off of.
John: (not to mention it'd be nice to hang out with a cute girl for a while and feel smart) 
sallyann429: lol, I think I might be beyond help in there lol
John: nah - i can help anyone.
John: besides - he read through teh exam with us tuesday
John: i've got all the answers, practically...
John: but -shrug- if you don't _want_ the help... i can understand that.
sallyann429: yeah I was trying to write as much of it as I could
John: i got it all 
John: and i know MOST of it.
sallyann429: no if you think you can help me....but i am telling you I will just sound really stupid
John: getting the rest of what i need now.
John: lol - you won't sound stupid...
John: and i won't think you're stupid...
John: we'll just go over and over what we know we need to know and we'll both ace the test.
John: you wanna do that tonight? or is tomorrow better for ya?
sallyann429: Tomorrow would probably be better, I am getting ready for another exam tonight
John: what in?
sallyann429: wildlife resources
John: ah - i can't help you there...
John: but i coul dhelp if it were chem or stats
John: (or algebra)
sallyann429: oh well I think I will do ok in that one, botany is the one i am most worried about
John: well - i can give you as much time as you need, really...
John: i will be done studying for chem and stats tonight... all day tomorrow will be for botany.
John: i have GOT to get that Meiosis/Mitosis thing right...
John: that's the ONLY thing that's ever given me problems...
John: argh
sallyann429: well it all gives me problems lol
John: well - learning isn't hard... it just takes practice.
John: so - you're adorable, young, at college, and STILL single?
John: are you staying single on purpose?
sallyann429: not really
John: oh... well then why are you so single?
John: it makes no sense... -shrug-
sallyann429: I dunno I just am lol
John: ah - i see...
sallyann429: how long have you been in alpine
John: since July
sallyann429: oh
John: why do you ask?
sallyann429: just curious
John: ok...
John: so - is that the onyl pic of yourself you have online?
sallyann429: yeah
John: well - it's a nice one. that's for sure.
sallyann429: thank you
John: you are _so_ welcome.
John: so - where can i find you tomorrow?
sallyann429: hmm i dont know...we can meet in the library or the UC or something
John: ok - that's kewl.
John: do you still have the book, or have you sold it back already?
sallyann429: i have it
John: groovy - i sold mine already. lol
sallyann429: lol
sallyann429: what time is good for you
John: whenever... like i said... i have all day to study botany...
John: but prolley not before, say... 9
sallyann429: yeah so what about like 11:00 in the library
John: that sounds alright...
John: do you think we'll stay in the library?
John: it's so uncomfortable there...
John: lol
sallyann429: i dont know wherever is fine with me
John: well...
John: are there any places in town we could go?
John: maybe penny's diner?
John: at least they have free refills...
sallyann429: lol yeah thats fine
John: or your place? or mine..or whatever...
John: i dunno where to study, except at my house - cause i always study alone...
John: i never get to study with other people.
sallyann429: me either lol
John: even though often, the teacher tells people to study with me, NOBODY ever calls me on it.
John: not a single person rfom class called me for help
sallyann429: yeah thats right I forgot he said you and that girl would help
John: lol
John: he even wrote down our phone numbers and everything
sallyann429: oh yeah, I was too busy trying to write down everything else he was talking about
John: lol
John: so - 11 in the library
John: ??
John: or at penny's?
John: or anywhere else you suggest - i'm eager to please.
sallyann429: I dont know lol I dont care, pennys is fine if you dont like the library
John: okee dokee.
John: i want to be comfortable, but don't want to give myself any reason to be overly tempted to do something i shouldn't... I noticed him flirting before but he was kinda comming on too strong there
John: if you can understand _that_.... lol
sallyann429: lol
sallyann429: probably a good idea
John: yeah?
John: so - you agree?
John: i would be overly tempted to do something that wasn't studying?
sallyann429: what I dont know, just agreeing that it would be a good idea not to be temted to do anything other than study
John: lol
John: well - i can tell you...
John: if we're somewhere even remotely intimate, i think i would be, at the least, tempted.
sallyann429: well then pennys is good lol
John: i totally agree.
John: so - how could i have such a cute, SINGLE, girl that close to me for so long and not do something about it??
John: i'm thinking out loud again.
John: doh
sallyann429: lol well thanks
John: you're welcome..
John:i know why, though...
John: cause i had no idea you were single...
John: how could i have known?
John: you're so damn cute.
sallyann429: thanks
John: welcome
sallyann429: well I should go study some more but ill see ya tomorrow
John: aaaww... alright.
John: what's your phoen number, just in case you aren't there?
John: OH! and - do you smoke?
sallyann429 : no i dont
John: cigarettes or otherwise?
John: ok - so we'll have to sit in non-smoking if there's a choice.
sallyann429: it doesnt bother me though
sallyann429: I dont think there is a choice anyway though
John: lol - ok then.
John:well - i know we can sit outside...
John: man - why do you have to go?
John: im having to much fni talking to you. -sigh-
John: <-- whiny around finals time.
John: lol
sallyann429: lol
sallyann429: well i really do have to study
John: i know...
John: go do that then.
John: at penny's tomorrow at 11?
sallyann429: yep
John: and can i call you if i'm there and you're not?
sallyann429: yeah 294-3158 or 837-8646
John: groovy. 
sallyann429: bye
sallyann429: see ya tomorrow
John: later cutie 
John: i look forward to it.

Ok so anyway I was flattered that he said I was cute and he isnt bad looking himself so I was like woohoo lol. But then I read his profile and it said he is in an open relationship and thats when it all came together. I remembered I noticed he had a RING a few months ago but I didn't really think anything of it at the time, it was just a casual observation. Then I realized that my friend had told me about this blind date that she went on and it turned out the guy had an open relationship with his wife, and I am pretty sure she said his name was John (she of course ended the date as soon as she saw his ring). So now I don't really want to go anymore but I really do need the help really bad. But seriously how gross is it to be married and openly sleep around!

 Today was so terrible, I forgot to leave the waitress at tip and I know her to make it worse, it was my friends last day here before she moves back home, I got a ticket and I couldn't find my insurance card, and to top it all off I got my period.

 So this morning was ok, Daphne and I went and ran some errands and went to this cute christmas store which was fun. Then since it was her last day we decided to go out tonight with her roomate, Anna too. About 8 I imed her and asked what she wanted to go do but neither if us could decide and we couldn't get ahold of Anna so we decide to go to this place called Penny's Diner to talk about it and wait for Anna. So we ate and still couldn't decide so we were sorta distracted so we paid and left, but we forgot to tip and the woman that was our waitress is so nice and she is the only person here from my home town so we are kinda friends. So that should be awkward when I see her tomorrow in class. I dont know if I should give it to her then or just tip extra next time. Then while we were leaving Anna pulled in to the parking lot with her fiancee and some of his friends, they were going to eat but she came with us. Since she was still hungry we went by another restauraunt and grabbed some dessert (we remembered the tip that time lol) We never really talked about what to do the whole time so when we left she wanted to drive my car so I let her. This town is so tiny that in like 2 min. we were already headed out of town and still had nothing to do so we just kept driving in to the next town. The drive was fun, they were singing and stuff, I cant sing so I was just listening to them lol. When we got there we all really had to pee so we stopped at a gas station. I started driving again when we left. I drove around town for a bit and then we headed back. The speed limit was 30 in town but when I saw the sign that said it was 55 I started speeding up to 40, or at least thats what my speedometer said. As soon as I did this cop turned on his lights and pulled me over. I could see the 55 sign I was so mad! He told me I was going 45 in a 30 but I think I was going 40. Anyway He walks over to my car and shines his flashlight in Anna's eyes and she just said "whoah thats bright" and laughed and he got all mad and was like "excuse me" and she was like "oh nothing it was just in my eyes. I was just kidding" and then he went on about how it wasn't in her eyes, it was pointed down and how he has to look for alcohol in the car. Then he got my licence and I couldnt find my proof of insurance so I got that added on to my ticket even though I do hav it somewhere. Ill have to find it so I can get that taken off. Then he asked if we had had any alcohol and we said no, and then my Anna said "they card me to get in to an R movie, I don't think I could buy it if I wanted to" but she was just trying to lighten him up but it just made him madder. We thought he would at least crack a smile. But he went in to another spiel about how there are so many kids drinking and he has to ask blah blah blah. So I told him it was a joke and he didn't say anything but he went back to his car to write my ticket. It was taking a really long time so Anna laid the chair back. Then when he got back He was like "Mam I don't think your passenger could have had her seat belt on with the chair like that" by then we just wanted to go so she leaned it foward and he told him she didn't do it until after we stopped and he got all rude and rolled his eyes and was like "Ill let you go on that this time" Then he gave me my ticket. After that it was already midnight so we just decided to give up and go home. So here I am sitting here afraid to call my parents.

I just found out for sure my friend isnt going to come back next semester.  She is probably the best friend I have here at school so it will be really sad next semester. She told me she went home to see her fiancee while he was on leave and didn't tell her parents she was there, which I dont think she should have had to since she is 18 and its not like she still depends on them finacially or anything. Anyways they found out and flipped out, she said they took her car. So anyway basically now she has to buy a new car and she is going on a trip to visit her fiancee in Washington and she said she just cant afford all that and to go to a university so she is moving back home.

I have been doing alot of thinking today and I don't know why I am still acting the way I did in high school. I hate that I am so quiet and I think I sorta come off as a prude but I don't want to! I mean college is supposed to be a fresh start and I just can't get out of my old habbits. So I decided I am going to make a list of things I dont like and take this christmas break and work on changing them. I know it kinda sounds cheesy but I have to do something so that I can like myself. I have just been so depressed latley.

I just really need a study break so I decided I would write in my blog....I just found out one of my friends got engaged :) I am really happy for her. I haven't really had a chance to talk to her yet but her yahoo status message says packing so I think that probably means she is moving back to San Antonio to be with her fiancee. If that is the case I am kinda sad considering it is 8 hours from here but it does make more sense for her to go there. I can tell she is really happy. Her ring is beautiful I went over and looked at it but she was on the phone so I didn't really talk to her about it. Oh well, all my friends always move away it kinda sucks but I am starting to just get used to the fact. It seems like everyone at this friggin school is getting married. I feel like I am the only single person here!

I have been studting all day. This is my first break from school stuff since 7:45 this morning and I am not even close to being finished. College is sure not what I thought it would be. I also found out today that I am failing what should be my easiest class! The professor, who is also the dean, is such a jerk. No one in that class is making above a low C, I thought he might give us a curve since there is obviously something not right but he wont. We had these group presentations due about a week ago and he told my group that ours was the best and then he went and gave us a 70 on it. We also have to write these journals about the class every week and he gave me an overall grade of 16! I went and talked to him about it and he pulled up one entry and was like "it is only one sentence" well sorry but we only had about 15 minutes of class that week and all we did was talk about what events were comming up that we had to attend. So I really don't know what he wanted me to write, most people didnt even do it that week. When I told him all that he just shrugged. I was pissed. I wasn't the only one either there were about 7 other people(there are only about 12 in the class) waiting to talk to him too. I just want to go home for Christmas and not have to worry about all this, although I am sure my parents will be mad when they see my grades so I will have to deal with that. There is no escape! lol. Ayways back to the books.:(

*sigh* I have been really depressed all day. I have hardly left my dorm room so I have just been sitting here thinking most of the day. Something I have been thinking about alot latley is my perception of myself. In high school I had zero self confidence, everyone there had everything(or so I thought), looks(a couple of people from my graduating class are now abercrombie models and several more could be if they so desired), money, popularity. But since I have moved here to college I realized that you shouldn't have top be beautiful to be liked which is the thing I like most about SRSU even the best looking people will talk to those who arent. Since I have been here my self esteem has gone up alot and I havent felt nearly as ugly as I did in highschool, I know I am not gorgeous but not hideous either, well at least it has been improving up until the past couple of days. I have been thinking about it alot and I think some of those people left some permanet scars that I had just hidden the past few months. In hs guys never really hit on me or anything so I just assumed no one ever would, but here guys have shown intrest in me but I just get so nervous and I just end up unitentionally snubbing them away.I know it is a cliche but I feel like I am living in my little ivory tower, I am just so afraid of feeling that hurt again. Even at my best I am seriously afraid to talk to people who I think are better than me, which latley has been almost everyone and its not like I have had any bad experience since I have been here.  It just feels like all those things people said to me in hs is all rushing back all of the sudden. My sister is one of the more popular people although she isnt nearly as bad as most people there, she is a senior now. Anyway when I was a sophmore I heard one of her friends and this other guy talking about me(this was before he knew her) and one was sarcastically like 'ooh theres a hottie" and then the other was like "she would be better off killing herself". I could never tell my sis that, everyone says he has changed and I dont want to ruin her friendship but when he is at my house I cant even manage to be in the room with him. I can even pinpoint when my self esteem dropped. I was "asked out" in the 6th grade by someone who I thugh was a nice guy and my friend and then when I said yes he laughed and said "uh it was a joke"  Its 7 years later now and I am having to stop myself from crying just thinking about it. The other and most recent thing was a week before graduation my econonmics teacher accidentally called this other girl my name and she almost started crying and asked her frien if she looks like me and her friend was like "oh no dot worry you dont look anything alike" they went on like I wasnt sitting right there. Anyway I dont know why but it feels like all this stuff is just rushing back all at once and it has just made me feel so small latley. Anyway I cant really even talk about all that stuff to anyone with out sobbing so I figured I would just vent here.

I have just been feeling so down latley. I think it is just a combination of so many thigs going on right now. Christmas is a graet time of year once it acctually gets here but I hate all this time leading up to Christmas, all the shopping/money issues and travel plans and the decorating is alright but it also tends to get stressful. Another thing that has been bugging me is my dad just got a promotion and he is now te controler of 2 plants run by the same company and one is here in texas and the other is in Huntsville Alabama. He has always had to travel for his work but before it was only about once a month at most, now he is gone every other week. I am living in a dorm at school so it isnt like I am home anyway but I just hate knowing he is away from the family in some other city and just from talking to him I can tell he is really feeling the stress of it all. The worst part is he is doing all this extra work and they won't pay him any more money and this is all for a company he doesnt even like (they clear cut forests to make cardboard which he is raelly against) He is an accoutant and there were just no other jobs open when he was looking and we need the money too bad this time of year for him to quit and look for another job. I am also just really home sick. I love the school I am at I just miss my old friends and my family alot. The past few days I have just felt so ugly and I think I must have gained a few pounds too but I dont want to weigh myself yet because this isnt the best time of the month for my weight which would just make me feel more depressed. Then on top of all of that finals are comming up and I can't afford to do badly on them and I just can't seem to concentrate when I try to study. There is more too but I am getting tired of typing lol. I am just so sick of the way my life has been going for the past few months . I know to alot of people all that probably sounds like  nothing and I know things could be A LOT worse and I am grateful it isnt. I just wish I could be happier. :cry:

if anyone knows how to change what that thing at the top says(it says weblog now)

 can you help me.

someone commented i could design my own but how do I do that.

I just started this blog a few of days ago and I did't really say anything about me other than my petty little problems, so I will now.

My name is Sally, obviously, I am 18 and I live in Texas. I am a veggitarian, but I am not like one of those extreme PETA people or anythig I just don't like to eat meat, and I don't like tell people all the cruel things they did to an animal just as they bite in to their burger or something like that, I know how annoying that can be lol.  I consider myself a christian I guess but I dont attend church regularly or anything and I deffinately am not the holliest person lol.  I grew up in Waco and attended Midway Highschool. When I am at home I live with both my parents and my 2 sisters, Sarah (17)and Sadie(14). For the past 3 summers I have worked out at a summer camp For Campfire USA, I love kids and most of the people I have worked with were great. I have really enjoyed working out there, unfortunatly I think this past summer was my last one there. I am now a student a little university called Sul Ross State University in a little town in west Texas called Alpine. I am majoring in natural resource management with a concentration in wildlife management. I am not sure what I want to do as a job after college but this major just seemed to fit my personality well. I am thinking about maybe being a game warden or a park ranger. I love animals as long as I am working with them and the outdoors I think I will be happy. I have 21 pets at home, I miss them. It gets kinda crazy but I love em'.

here is all the pets I have:

1 rat(she is my own pet): Shirley (her sister was named lavern but she died a few months ago :cry:)

1 Chiuaua: Margarita

4 labradors: Nutmeg, Deja, Jackie, Bubba

1 Brittany Spaniel: Happy

2 mutts: A chiuaua/dachund mix-roxanne and the other is just pure mutt,maybe some lab in her-crickett

1 Alaskan malamute: Kizmet

1 hermit crab: we just call him the hermit crab

2 cats: Gracielu(grey tabby) and Xena (tortise shell) hey were just sorta named after whatever was on tv at the time lol (Xena and miss congeniality)

4 finches: Ricky, Lucy, Blondie and I dont remember the other oneas name(the last two were just born and I havent been living at home so I have only been told about them)

1 blue quaker: blue (my dads talent for naming there lol)

1 green conure: Jolly

1 sun conure: Ziggy

1 parottlet: lil' bit

1 cockatiel: G'day (we named him that b/c they are austrailian birds lol)

Hmmm I guess that is about it or at least all I can think of for now.